This goes with a time when I felt un-included and out of place.
When Lisey was a baby, I went to a shower (bridal? baby? I have no recollection) and I felt extremely out of place. Most of the other moms there were older, much more well-off, and had kids that went to a private school.
I was a 23 year old mom of two with only a few pennies to rub together, and there was no way in the world I could have imagined sending my kids to a private school.
I remember that the lady sitting next to me had a baby about the same age as Lisey, except her baby was dressed in one of those fancy, starchy baby dresses, while Lisey was wearing a little white knit sleeper we’d bought at a Carter’s outlet, a unisex hand-me-down from Joshua.
(I remember the mom inquiring if Lisey was a boy or a girl, in fact.)
I don’t remember exactly what the mom was wearing (something fancier than me!), but I do remember that her hair was perfectly highlighted and coiffed, while my plain brown hair was in a ponytail.
To me, she basically oozed money.
So, justified or not, I was already feeling like a fish out of water.
Or like a poor fish swimming in very fancy water.
Wealthy Mom politely inquired about future educational plans for my kids (who were a newborn and a 2 year old at the time!) and when I mentioned that we planned to homeschool, she said, “Oh, that’s nice.” in a tone that conveyed quite the opposite.
But then, mercifully, a less-fancy shower attendee (a plainer person, like myself) waved and invited me to come sit with her, and I remember the sense of relief I felt, to be welcomed and included. I suddenly did not feel like so much of an outsider.
This experience reminded me that when I’m an “insider” at a gathering, it’s really important to keep an eye out for someone who might be feeling like an outsider. It doesn’t take much to help someone feel included, but when you are an “insider”, it’s easy to get caught up in socializing without looking for someone who might need a friend.
And writing about this has reminded me that living on a small income really can make you feel inadequate, even if no one is expressly trying to make you feel inadequate. It’s been 19 years since this experience, but writing about it brought back those feelings afresh.
It’s sort of a sense that people around you are living this “other” kind of life that is out of reach, a type of life where you do not belong.
Anyway! This is getting kind of long for a Kristen, Prompted post.
The gist of it: I want to remember to help other people feel like they are welcome and that they belong.
P. S. I am sure Wealthy Mom has no memory of this evening, and I am sure she did not have it out for me in the slightest.
Thank you for the great reminder to help others who might not feel as comfortable in a social situation. I have definitely felt like an outsider many times in my life, so I can relate.
I hear you Kristen. We chose a private education at a Steiner school for our two boys – that’s not what many working class people do in the West Midlands (in the U.K.) and financially it’s been super hard. So many times I’ve felt un-included until I’ve noticed another mom or dad in the group smiling weakly at thoughtless or barbed comments and I’ve swapped seats to sit by them.
I’m happily married (through hard work and commitment mind) many of those around me at the school gates are on their 2nd, 3rd or in one case 4th partner (!!) in the 11 years I’ve known them. I’ve also been known to feel a little smug if I’m being truthful. At least my kids had dinner around the table at night with both parents present, a bit mean I know but hey ho!!
Some of us are divorced not of our own choosing. I was committed to my husband, he was committed to me, and then suddenly after 25 years he wasn’t. Divorce is hard enough without other people looking down on you as if you’re a failure.
And Kristen, it’s possible that Wealthy Mom was jealous of you for being so young and thin.
Well, I’m afraid she was also quite thin, especially for having just had a baby. So, I don’t think she was jealous of me for that.
I’m pretty sure I was legitimately younger than her, though, so perhaps you have a point there!
Big hugs to you regarding your marriage. I am so sorry for your pain. <3
I am by nature a very shy and reserved person. There’s probably a lot of reasons for it but I grew up missing a lot of the “normal” events that kids generally do and I suspect that it plays a big part in it. For example I never had a “best friend” growing up, I never went to a friend’s house much less have a sleepover. I couldn’t participate in after school activities as both parents were working two jobs to make ends meet and there was no way to get me home. Friends never came to my house, never met up with friends after school somewhere etc. So a lot of my interactions with people, even as a guy pushing 40, always make me feel like I skipped the first few chapters on how to make friends and not be awkward around people.
Though there was one time I didn’t feel so out of place. My parents tried pulling me out of the public school and sending me to a private school on a scholarship I could earn. I was apparently approved and was sent for a trial day at the new school and everyone was just so darn nice. Classes were a lot smaller, the teachers didn’t seem to have a stick up their butt all the time, there wasn’t anyone mocking me for anything I did. Basically it was a great environment to be in (at least that one day was.)
In the end, the scholarship was cancelled (my mom said she never did find out why) and my folks couldn’t afford to send me to the private school so back to the meat grinder that is the Public School system to face Middle School (aka the three worst years of my life.) I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened had I been able to go to the private school. Maybe I’d be better off socially and not so awkward. Maybe it would’ve been the same. Either way it’s not really worth speculating on.
Christopher, thank you for sharing so honestly. School (and life!) can be so hard when one feels not included or disregarded. You have especially inspired me today to work on better including others both in my professional and personal lives.
Well I’m glad that it inspired you a bit. I still have to deal with the fallout of my personality and stuff. I try to include myself and I’ve been told I end up going too far in the other direction at times and talk too much.
Can’t win! 🙂
Oh man, that’s so frustrating that you didn’t get to stay at that school. And oh man, middle school! Legitimately the worst time in most people’s lives.
My dad worked at a middle school for years and he said that remembering how hard it was for me (and how it wasn’t just his middle school years that were awful) that made him lighten up a bit on the kids.
This is a great reminder. I often feel out of place and feel like I’m searching for the place within the gathering to fit. To turn that around and make sure to watch out for others who may feel that way too and to help them feel welcome and included is a great reminder.
I just finished a vacation with a friends where I felt a bit left out for not splurging…treating myself…as much as them. They also spent a lot of the time complaining about how much debt they were in….. So what is seen on the surface is not always reality.
Yep, that is certainly the case at least some of the time. You see riches, you don’t see the debt behind the scenes.
We moved from the suburbs to our small mountain. It took me 2 years to get out of the house to meet people between having 4 kids then having hyperemesis and being bed ridden with my 5th. You live in the country here so you have to go places to meet people, no neighborhoods. I finally went to a play group. Everyone was so nice. After a few times going a coupe nice moms asked me to go on a hike with them! Unfortunately I was still weak and had no muscles from being sick with my pregnancy (even though she was 6 months old by now) I knew I couldn’t do the hike. I was so sad to say no. But that invited made me feel SO included and warm it just was what I needed after 2 hard years. I did get to be friends with them and a 3 other moms. We started a book club. Let me tell you, it’s now ELEVEN years later and that SAME group of moms are my closest friends. A couple have moved but we still are close and travel to see each other and talk often.
What a good reminder and lesson. Sometimes just a simple invite to a hike can mean so much.
Your story makes me think of my daughter’s first day of kindergarten. She attends a private school that’s connected to the organization my husband works for and with financial aid we pay very little. But I know that there are some very rich families that attend there. I never envisioned myself being a private school mom and was extremely nervous/self-conscious about it going in. Add to it that almost all of my daughter’s classmates had been in pre-K together and I didn’t do any sort of preschool… we were new. But the first morning after drop-off, I saw my friend Nicole and she introduced me to the small group of moms she was talking with and welcomed me into the conversation. I felt included. I felt hopeful. I felt so much better. I was thankful. Thinking of it now, I’m going to send her a card and tell her how much that meant to me. I’ve told other people about that experience, but don’t think I’ve ever expressed my gratitude to her directly for it.
It also came to my mind this year as there are 2 new kids in my daughter’s first grade class. I remembered how I felt going in and how Nicole made me feel. I’ve only met one of the moms, but went out of my way to talk with her so she wasn’t alone and she could start to feel like she’s part of the community.