Oof, I am the WORST at this.
Seriously, it is one of my most besetting problems.
I pay a lot of attention to other people’s feelings, which is an advantage in a lot of ways.
But the problem with being very sensitive to other people’s feelings is that…you end up being too careful not to hurt other people’s feelings.
So then this can feel kind of like a cage; I have opinions and likes and dislikes and desires and if I think that sharing those will hurt someone else’s feelings, I will keep them all inside.
When I am talking with someone that I feel very comfortable and safe with, then I can do a much better job of showing up and being genuine.
But if I am talking with someone who is easily hurt, or someone who misinterprets my motives or misunderstands me, then it feels very, very hard to be honest and genuine.
If you were in my shoes in that situation, those of you that are bolder would just tell that person, “Hey! You’re being too sensitive. If you want to hear what I have to say, then you need to stop freaking out when I’m honest.”
But that sort of thing is really hard for me to say, particularly to a person who doesn’t handle honesty very well.
I keep trying to work on this aspect of myself, but sometimes it feels like I am spinning my wheels, and I imagine I will probably be fighting this tendency of mine for the rest of my days.
Luckily, I am irrepressibly optimistic, so I keep thinking that I am going to get better at this, despite all the evidence to the contrary. Ha.
Do you tell the truth even when it might hurt?
One of the most valuable lessons I learned in college was that I am not responsible for the emotions of others, which makes it pretty easy to be truthful without worrying about how someone is going to take my honesty. My psychology prof gave an example that has stayed with me all these years: a teacher walks into the room and says that a scheduled test has been cancelled. One student gets angry, since he stayed up all night studying. Another is relieved because he did not study. And the third has just broken up with his girlfriend and he doesn’t care one way or the other about school right now. It made it easier for me to tell the truth and let people take care of their own emotions. (This does not excuse people from being deliberately cruel…) It also helped me not blame others when I felt one way or another, so no more saying, “You make me so mad.” When someone asks my opinion and then gets upset when they don’t like what I had to say, my usual response is to say that if they punish people for telling them the truth, then they will have to live with the knowledge that the people about them may be lying to them all the time just to avoid the fallout. I have a friend who suffers from what I jokingly tell her is terminal niceness, and I find it very frustrating even after two decades of knowing her.
It is funny how our best traits, when taken to extreme can turn into our worst traits. I like how forthright I am, but sometimes I get carried away and turn truth into a club and hurt people. My friend, who exudes kindness and compassion, sometimes turns into a wimp because she is afraid of causing offense. That is when it is great to be close enough that when necessary she can tell me I sound mean and I can tell her she is hiding behind her niceness…The privilege of a deep friendship.
Ah, I need you in my life to call me on my terminal niceness!
Sometimes. Lying is definitely wrong. But there are times that even though something is true, it probably shouldn’t be said. A person can end up isolating and hurting others unnecessarily with a “well, it’s true” attitude. There are times that offensive truth is necessary. Absolutely. There are also times where I need to keep it to myself.
I’m more likely not to say anything one way or the other. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself, it’s that if I open my mouth at the wrong time, way too much will come out. It will be truthful and it may not reveal good intentions, even if I have them.