I wouldn’t say anger is one of the primary negative emotions I feel. I’m much more likely to feel sad, hurt, exhausted, despairing, or anxious than angry.
But, even though I have a pretty long fuse, I do sometimes get angry.
Frustratingly enough, when I talk about my anger, whether it’s to the person I’m angry with, or to someone else, it almost always looks like sadness, because I end up crying.
But, my tears can be angry tears.
The question, though, is about how I deal with anger.
Unfortunately, sometimes I minimize the feeling or try to squash it down.
This is not nearly as healthy as paying attention to the feeling, figuring out what’s really wrong, and then thinking about some healthy steps to take to address the problem.
So, ideally, that’s what I’d do.
If addressing the problem goes well, then obviously I don’t feel angry anymore.
Sometimes, though, it doesn’t go well, and since I can’t control other people, I can’t necessarily guarantee that a problem will be resolved. I can only control me.
So here are a couple of things that I’ve found helpful when I can’t address the problem, or when I’ve tried and it’s gone poorly:
- venting about the problem to someone who can listen and empathize
- writing a letter with all the angry things I want to say and then shredding the letter
- reminding myself that one day, all that’s wrong will be made right. So, whatever thing or person I am angry about/at will, in the end, be made right by God.
- remembering that harboring anger is like taking a poison pill and expecting the other person to die. Harbored anger hurts me.
- remembering that God has plenty of reasons to be angry with me, and has instead shown me mercy. So, I can show mercy to others as well.
Oh my. You’re a better person than I am! I’m afraid I tend to slam doors. 😕
For me, trying to deal with it, in whatever way, fairly promptly, is important. And then moving on. Otherwise, I’m always at a place where I have such a stockpile of “things I’m still mad about“ coloring every interaction, which always has me behaving in a way that’s going to not feel good. It can get to be a vicious circle.
There are a few people that want to keep that vibe going. So I choose to limit time and energy spent there. Counseling did help me to not take everything so personally!
The older and more experienced I am with life, and the closer I strive to be with God, the less anger I feel.
I get it all out, usually to a friend or my DH. I do hold a grudge though, is that anger or just residual feelings?
I don’t know…is anger separate from the grudge? I suppose that’s anger turning into bitterness.
Either way, I know it’s not actually good for me to hold onto. But man, it’s so tempting!
“Harbored anger hurts me.” Mmmmm…. So true. I see this most clearly displayed in my little kids. If one is angry with the other, the offender often moves on quickly and the one harboring the anger is the one whose day is ruined.
Sometimes I need to talk, sometimes I need a good cry, sometimes I just need a little time to cool down, and I often remember that holding onto it just hurts myself.