I don’t know if this is precisely the last time, but I’m going to roll with it.
A few weeks back, I read several news articles in a single week that followed the same pattern: a man had sexually harassed/abused women and/or girls underneath him (in an organization of some type), and when his behavior was exposed, he offered an apology that included some variation of, “I never intended to hurt anyone.”
I have seen this so, so many times when public figures get caught doing unarguably abusive stuff, and man, it just rubs me really hard the wrong way.
I think when you have abused someone, you really need to just shut up about your intentions. No matter how you phrase it, trying to defend your intentions just comes off as, well, defensive. And it turns the attention to you, the perpetrator, instead of to the person you hurt.
If you’ve abused someone, the appropriate thing to say is, “My actions were wrong, and my actions hurt you. I took advantage of you and I abused my position of power. I am so sorry.”
If your heart is in the right place and your intentions are good, that will be manifestly clear in your apology and in your behavior after the apology. There is no need to talk about your intentions; show them by your behavior.
If you accidentally hit someone in the head, the accidental part of that would be manifestly obvious in how you behaved after the hit; you’d be horrified, you’d apologize, you’d try to offer help, etc.
No one would be sitting there wondering, “Hmm. Was this an intentional blow to the head?”
And conversely, the more someone blathers on about their good intentions during an apology, the less I am inclined to believe that their intentions even were good in the first place.
Anyway. This happened some weeks ago, but even now, writing about it is making me feel a little spicy.
I can’t control how other people apologize, but this is a good reminder to me: when I apologize, I should be mindful not to make the apology about me or about defending myself. It should be focused on the person that I have hurt.
My sister’s husband died unexpectedly on Saturday, leaving her a widow at 45 years old. Upon hearing this and some of my thoughts about how this situation is going to be very difficult for my sister to navigate given her own grief and some in-law family dynamics, someone said something like, “Well, try not to worry about it too much. It’s not your problem.”
I was SO MAD about the dismissiveness of that comment. I think the person was trying to reassure me, but what an insensitive way to do it.
I’m so sorry for her / your loss. People who are trying to help others cope with their grief sometimes say very insensitive things. I’ve experienced it directly, and also directed at others dealing with challenging lifelong medical issues.
People will say “it could be worse” but in my experience, that’s not helpful. It’s more like toxic positivity. (General you) Just say, “I’m so sorry for your loss / for your situation.” And close your mouth and wait for the grieving person to respond when they are ready.
Oh my goodness, what a terrible thing to say! I mean, aren’t we supposed to be mourning with those who mourning, and weeping with those who weep? She’s your sister! Of course you will feel the heaviness of her grief. You love her, and so of course her problem IS going to be your problem in a sense.
Kristin, what a loss. I wish strengh for your sister, for you, and for all that will be reeling from this sudden passing of your brother-in-law.
P.S. People who sometimes don’t know what to say should refrain from saying much of anything other than a sincere word of comfort. Frankly, I’m angry for you.
That is quite insensitive, but I think it is likely you are right that the person was trying to comfort you in some measure. Awkwardness is tough, but if we recognize in it the attempt at caring, it makes that easier to forgive.
One tough example was when I had miscarriages and some people said, “At least you have children already” or “You can always have more.” I had a choice to be angry or recognize an attempt at consolation (not an attempt to hurt).
It took me many years to realize that I don’t have to fix every problem with my awkward words. A simple “I’m sorry” is the safest bet if a person doesn’t know what to say.
Oh man. I’ve been bothered/saddened by the situation since I saw your snapshot, and now a little more. My sympathy on all fronts.
I’m sorry for your loss and that you had someone say something so thoughtless.
Kristin, I am so sorry for your sister’s loss and your loss.
I got angry at a friend that thought it was not a big deal that my daughter’s wedding was miniaturized (after being postponed for a year) due to Covid-19 precautions. She said something about the fact that some people that typically attend you never see again. I responded rather strongly that it was not fun to un-invite siblings and their families (about forty people between both sides of the family) especially when you have not seen any of them in over a year and have no idea when you will be able to do so.
I know we have all suffered a lot of Covid causalities but I was not able to keep a cool head about this.
I, too, am very sorry. Widowhood is complicated and painful. No one can “fix” it. Time, and knowing that people care and haven’t forgotten, are what helps me with grief. Many people do say dumb things, but I think 99.9% mean well, so I give them grace. We’ve all misspoken sometime. Actually, the thing someone said that made me really mad at the time, turned out to be an honest, true, and helpful comment, once I had had a little space to absorb it.
Going back to the original topic, yes! That’s terrible! But I’ve seen supposed/alleged victims of crimes lie and damage families and careers, for reasons of attention, pity, money, or mental illness. (I’ve worked in the field.) Besides hurting the falsely-accused, they hurt past, present, and future victims/survivors, whose truthfulness and courage may be doubted.
It’s minor, but right now I’m mad because a drunk driver drove through my yard, and those of two neighbors, and caused damage, but since it was night, the police didn’t note it. And now the driver doesn’t have to pay for it, because it wasn’t in the police report, they don’t want to amend it, and the driver’s info is confidential! I wish I had time to pursue it, but it’s my busy season. My neighbors don’t even have the money to fix things.